i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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