i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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