theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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