she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
