the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
