Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize