Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
