How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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