I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
