Screwed.edu
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
