Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
