I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
