I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
