I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
