His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
