This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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