Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
