I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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