I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Do you have feelings for this penis?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
