if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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