you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
