sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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