It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
