her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Randomize
