fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
even my farts smell like vagina
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
