Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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