apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
