Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
