So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
