i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Did I show you my penis last night?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
