Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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