I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
then he tried to convert me to islam
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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