so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
