Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
