Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm just crazy horny about you
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
