i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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