I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize