Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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