You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
