M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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