bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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