Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize