I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
