She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
