textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
