Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
