Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
