i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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