You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
