pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
