Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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