literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
