Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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