these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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