I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
