I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
