Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
