Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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